Finding Peace in the Midst of Screaming Fear

Fear. Over the past couple of weeks, the voices of fear have gripped me. Thoughts that I had let go of years ago that use to eat at my peace and my joy like a cancer came roaring back. Financial Fear, Fear of Security, Fear of Death, Fear of Irrelevance, and Fear of Self-worth crashed down on me like the twisted and confusing rubble of the Twin Towers. These voices have not been a whisper but a well-orchestrated deluge of relentless but very real noise. At times it felt like I was having a heart attack I could not breathe, my chest would get tight, and my head was light. The more I listened to the voice of fear the tighter the stranglehold gripped me. Plus to pile on even more I had people that I loved and trusted hurt me deeply. Even though they asked for forgiveness and we reconciled and our relationship was fully restored I still felt hurt, vulnerable, exposed, and very alone.

I came to my breaking point last night to the point I thought Amanda was going to have to take me to the ER. Nothing I did could quiet the screaming voices of fear in my head.

As my mind continued racing I felt the urge to go jump in my pool, thinking the cool water would calm me. I stripped down to my boxers and jumped in and floated on my back. The water surrounded my whole body except my face. Under the water, it was dead quiet, all I could hear is my own breathing. I felt my heart pounding in my chest. I stared into the darkness of the sky and just began to whisper the name of Jesus. Over and Over I did not say anything else but "Jesus". As I lay floating in the water it began to rain. I felt the cool drops of rain hitting my face. Beads of rainwater trickled down my face. In that moment I felt the love and peace of Jesus wash completely over me. I heard him speak into my thoughts, not just any words but simple scripture that I had so often taken for granted as cute children's story bible verses. My loving Father began to whisper his promises into my ear. One after another His word filled my mind.

There is a bit of Andrew paraphrasing to help me fully grasp the power and meaning but below are the scriptures that God flooded my mind with. As I lay there in the water He repeated them over and over and over to me like a broken record.

The Lord (Creator of the Universe, Most powerful God of all things and loving caring Father) is my shepherd ( Shepherd work in ancient times was considered the lowest of work, and yet God Creator of the universe, the Most High God stepped into this lowly position to take care of me. He is not just a Shepherd but is My Shepherd)

I shall not want. ( This is my declaration and also my decision that all my needs are supplied by Jesus, My Shepherd )

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures, ( I do not always know what I need or when I need it so as I follow my Shepherd he guides me to the peaceful green pastures where I can without fear rest, eat, and gain strength. This scripture compares me to a sheep and a sheep will not lay down unless 4 conditions are met. Because they are timid, they will not lie down if they are afraid. Because they are social animals, they will not lie down if there is friction among the sheep. If flies or parasites trouble them, they will not lie down. Finally, if sheep are anxious about food or hungry, they will not lie down. Rest comes to me because the shepherd has dealt with my fear, friction, flies, and famine.)

He leadeth me beside the still waters. ( Sheep will not drink from turbulent water, it's not saying that the water is not deep but it's not turbulent. My Shepherd is not going to put me in a situation where I have to strive to be refreshed. I just have to follow as He leads.)

He restores my soul (by bringing me to repentance) and leads me into paths of Righteousness for His namesake (To display the glory of his grace to me, and not on account of any merit in me).

Even though I walk through the valley of the Shadow of death ( I am not facing death itself but the facade or shadow of death casting an outline of fear in my path. However, I am not remaining in the valley but walking through it because when I pick up my head I see Him in front of me guiding me)

I will fear no evil thing because the Lord is always with me. (Even in a fearful place His presence does not banish evil itself but my fear of evil. This is powerful to me because I see it as a slap in the face to the enemy because he will never be free of the bondage of evil. But he can only ever use the fear of evil against me. Fear does not really have any power because Fear in and of itself is not a tangible thing that can physically hurt me without me allowing it to do so. When I am with Him and He is leading me I do not have to live in the fear of evil.)

Your Rod ( of protection and defense) and Staff ( of guidance and control ) they comfort me. (I walk in the surrender of his control over my life because His defense and correction are my security.)

You prepare a (rich) table before me in the presence of my enemies ( When I surrender to his defense and control in the middle of conflict He sits me down to rest in perfect peace at the table he has prepared for me. Nothing is hurried, there is no disturbance and I sit and eat with Him from the provision He has prepared for me.)

You anoint my head with oil ( The oil of his anointing is a soothing remedy so that I do not become distracted and annoyed by the flys and parasites that continuously swarm around me. The mechanisms the enemy uses to spread sickness and disease are ineffective and die when they try and land on my head that is covered by the oil of His anointing ).

My cup runs over (despite the dangers and presence of my enemies he does not give me barely enough but gives to me overflowing. My cup does not overflow so I can hoard his presence and blessings unto myself but so that I can bless and give to others from His abundance).

His Goodness and Mercy will follow me all the days of my life (Mercy is a covenant word meaning ‘steadfast love' and together with goodness it means that His love and kindness are not unattainable but they will always follow me as I follow My Shepheard).

I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever (As I follow my Shepherd I will always dwell in His presence not just in my days here on earth but for all of eternity. I will always have a Home with Him and He will never ask me to leave. I am His child and I have found a home with Him the Creator of the Universe, the Most powerful God of all things, and loving caring Father.)

I think at times I (we) overcomplicate God. I chase all the deep and mystical things and meanings of God. While that is good in seasons, God is asking me to stop all my frantic spiritual busyness and come and sit with Him and listen and trust the simple truths he has already spoken over my life. I tend to strive for way more than He has ever asked me to strive for so much so that it becomes a distraction that takes my focus off Him. When I overcomplicate God it distracts me and allows for other voices to creep in and cause paralysing doubt and fear. I have to stop overcomplicating God and rest in the simple but powerful truth of who He is. In all actuality My Shepherd wants me to surrender and allow His staff and rod to guide me so that I will lay and rest in the green pasture of His presence, drink from the cool water of his spirit, and eat from the bountiful table of His word. When I do that I will not strive but will go where he leads me, and do what he tells me to do. I will face evil and trials but never on my own, He always goes before me and prepares the way. The key that unlocks my peace and removes my fear is my surrender, allowing Him to have complete control.